The More Candles, the Brighter the Flame: A New Take on Birthdays

My good friend Angela is celebrating her birthday today. And this passing milestone is bringing up a mix of emotions for her, as it so frequently does for many of us. We wonder - Have I been living the best life possible? Is there more that I could do? Am I where I’m supposed to be? To her I would say – yes, yes, and yes! She focuses on living a good, kind, loving life every day. She treats her body with respect and care. She is quick to smile, and laughs whole-heatedly in a manner that’s contagious. She has opened up the hands of fate and has nothing left to do but go where they carry her. But, that’s not so easy. Giving in to the flow of time is hard for everyone. As Angela often says “we want what we want when we want it.” And, working on taming that urge, a difficult task, is one she faces bravely.

For me her feelings have reminded me of a blog I had meant to post on my birthday, but never quite got the nerve. The timing wasn’t right. I was filled with fear and doubt. But, today, in honor of Angela, I am posting what birthdays have come to mean to me in hopes that it will help her see the true blessing of this day.

A Different Take on Birthdays

Unlike so many women who see the passing of another year as an assault on their youth, I’ve actually come to see birthdays as a great accomplishment. I love the American Cancer Society advertisements with famous people singing happy birthday in honor of living another year cancer-free. (In fact, last year on my birthday, I actually happened upon one of those internet video ads whereby Celine Dion serenaded me with my own personal birthday song - coincidence, or the universe working as it magically does?) The reality is that every year of life is the ultimate gift, and for anyone living with any type of illness or personal challenge, it is the ultimate achievement.

On Coming Out with Chronic Illness

Although I have never truly "come out" in my blogs (and in many cases in my personal life) regarding the full consequences of my chronic illness, I am slowly learning to live and speak my truth. I have been living with chronic illness since my early 20s (that's around 15 years for anyone dying to do the math), and I’ve been blogging for over four years now. Yet, in all that time I have only toyed with the idea of being more of an outspoken advocate for women's health issues. My fear has always kept me quiet.

Fear of ...?

What's to fear you might ask? That's a good question, and one I ask myself regularly. The answer however is extremely complicated and emotional, and I haven't figured it all out just yet. But, in short, it boils down to a fear of judgment - that people would see me as less than I really am. I have worried that if I publicly discussed my illnesses that I would slam the door on various opportunities in career, education, even friendship. I worried that potential employers would question my capabilities thinking I was not a good worker or the best health writer for the job. Or worse, that people would label me as a "whiner" because they couldn't fully relate to the challenges I experience, or the many ways in which I work on bettering myself and my situation every day.

What Chronic Illness Creates

My reality of course is far different from any of those judgments, as I suspect is the case for many sick women who go about their days keeping their illness under wraps. Illness has forced me to become incredibly efficient and savvy. I know how to maximize my energies and talents in ways that healthier individuals often don't - mostly because they don't need to - but also because they haven't learned how to truly appreciate their abilities and use them with a passion and appreciation. In short, I am actually smarter, more compassionate, more driven now than I was before I was diagnosed with several autoimmune diseases.

The Big Reveal  

So, [deep breath] here it goes, here are the details of my descent into chronic illness...
I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis when I was just 22. Since Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disease, it meant that my body was slowly attacking and destroying my thyroid gland. In retrospect the diagnosis wasn't especially surprising since my Mom also had that genetic illness. (As an aside my Maternal Grandmother had Insulin-dependent Diabetes, my Uncle has Parkinson's and my Cousin has MS which are all autoimmune conditions, so the genetic component is pretty strong for me.) Genes alone don’t predict if someone gets autoimmune disease, but having them present makes it much easier for fate to step in. And, fate when it comes to autoimmune disease can be triggered by a great many things – toxins, stress, viruses, hormones, nutritional deficiencies, etc. There are probably as many causes of autoimmune disease as there are types (over 100). Personally, I suspect that I had low vitamin D levels as the product of living in the Northeast (RI). In addition, as a teenager I ate very poorly, constantly dieting and restricting my fat intake, not to mention I was a classic overachiever participating in multiple sports while juggling jobs and honor’s classes. That stressful combination, teamed with the hormonal changes of puberty, left me at a greater risk for illness to set in in my teens which is when I suspect I actually developed the disease.


At the time of diagnosis I was having a routine physical so that I could start my Dietetic Internship. The diagnosis was actually a bit of a relief because throughout high school and college I had to nap frequently and I couldn't lose weight no matter what I tried. So finally having a diagnosis was a blessing. It was quite lucky too since it is very rare that physicians catch the disease in young women. The classic symptoms - fatigue, weight gain, dry skin, coarse hair, low blood pressure, puffy face, intolerance to cold - all applied, but I thought they were all normal so I never really complained. Had I not been fortunate enough to see my mother's endocrinologist for that fateful visit, I don't think the illness would have ever been caught that early.

The years since diagnosis have been rocky. I have watched my thyroid levels teeter back and forth leaving me exhausted one month, and riddled with anxiety (a symptom of hyperthyroidism) the next. The autoimmune response has spread to other parts of my body leaving me with Sjogren’s Syndrome and gluten intolerance. I struggle daily with fatigue and problems with digestion. And, naturally I have bad days where life just doesn’t seem fair or even tolerable. But, overall I know I am lucky. Being sick has given me a greater sense of compassion, it has helped me drop the notion of perfection and it has forced me to learn about health in a way that no amount of education could ever instill. It makes me a better writer, a better friend, a better daughter. And, it even has forced me to surround myself with more loving and caring friends (like Angela).

It’s All Relative

I share this tale of woe simply to say life really is all relative. Sometimes we begin to measure our lives by the wrong yard sticks. We think that ever passing year should bring success, money or other tangible reward. But, maybe each passing year should simply serve as a reminder to always look at the bright side of things. Maybe that is why we represent each year with a candle? The more candles on the birthday cake, the brighter the flame.  

The Best Gift...

Nearly a week has passed since Christmas, and as I ready myself for the coming new year, I am reminded of the best gifts I have received in the past few years. Coincidentally, the best gifts for two years running have been calendars. (I actually just posted about the use of an exercise calendar on my other blog.)

A calendar may seem like a silly thing to get excited about, but as with all gifts it is the thought that matters most. And, the beauty of a calendar is that the thought carries through to every day of the year. Last year's calendar gift came from my niece, Nina. It was a page-a-day calendar with cute little animals and silly sayings. As I opened it, my niece looked on excitedly and said, "I have one too!" My sister-in-law, Gina, gave me a smile and said, "Aunt Chelle, she said you just had to have this. That you'd love it." And, I did. I really, really did love it. That Nina and my other two nieces also had the same calendar multiplied my joy. Of course one might think it odd that a grown woman shares the same interests as a group of preteens. But, that wasn't really the point for me. What made me happiest was the thought that we would all be looking at the same calendar every morning, sharing in the same simple silliness. A few times throughout the year I brought up the calendar to Nina - "did you see the cute black dog with the football?" "Oh yeah, I love that one!" "And, the little kitten with the bottle." "That is so adorable!" It was a shared bond that I truly cherished. In addition, on a more practical note, the backside of each calendar page made a great blank canvass for my daily to-do list. It was really the gift that gave and gave.

The Yoga Cats Calendar

This year my best friend Michelle surprised me with a 2012 wall calendar. That it was purely a spontaneous, impulse-buy that she made just hours before I arrived at her house for a long overdue visit gave it even more meaning. She prefaced my opening it, similarly to Gina's. She said something like, "I don't know if you are going to like this, but I kind of felt like you just had to have it." As I gingerly unwrapped it not knowing what it could possibly be I admit I was a little fearful. But, when I pulled out the Yoga Cats Calendar, which as you can imagine included pictures of cats contorted into yoga poses, I doubled over in laughter. As Michelle described how she felt compelled to explain her purchase to the cashier by stating that she was buying it for a friend who likes yoga (long pause)...and cats, I found myself laughing so hard that I could no longer breath. Although I only get to see Michelle once or twice a year, that brief moment of uncontrolled laughter, along with her most perfect gift selection, reminded me just why we are best friends. Not that I really needed reminding. Still that calendar, which now hangs above my desk, will enable me to think of her and our constant bond every day.

Which brings me to my husband, who has been buying us a "family" calendar for the fridge for the past three years. I won't ever forget that first year when he held that gift for last. He also seemed to preface it with, "I'm not sure you are going to like this..." So, again I felt a little nervous about opening it. In his case however, he has a history of buying some pretty disappointing gifts (i.e. the purple unscented candle he bought for my birthday one year from the dollar store near his office). Yet, I was overjoyed when I tore off the paper to see a years worth of adorable little kittens staring back at me. That he was equally excited about having this display of cuteness on our refrigerator made the gift all the more meaningful. He has made this gift an annual tradition. Last year he was even able to find a calendar of all Tuxedo Cats (which is what our two furry babies happen to be).

So, while I'm not so sure everyone would appreciate the value of a calendar as a gift. I can say that for me it has been a gift that gives and gives every day of the year.

I hope your 2012 is filled with daily blessings! Happy New Year!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

No more countdown! The big day is here. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I have one last gratitude to share which is actually the most important - the appreciation I have for my family and friends near and far. Of course these important people are in my heart every day, but on holidays like this it is easier to express that affection. Grabbing a friend, or even a sibling and yelling "I LOVE YOU MAN!" is not regularly encouraged. But, today, I can get away with it. So, here goes - I LOVE YOU MAN (and women)! If you are in my life, you are there for a reason, and I appreciate that fact and cherish it daily. 

Furthermore, I realized that my Mom & Dad, husband, my sisters, brother, sister-in-laws, brother-in-laws, nieces, nephews, cats, and adopted family members (i.e. friends) all contribute to the 5 things that I already counted down:

1. My Health - is greatly benefited by all of the love in my life.
2. My Freedom - is a product of the life shaped by my parents, husband and community.
3. Good Food - is often prepared for me by my family, or enjoyed with friends.
4. Much Laughter - is encouraged and promoted by everyone in my life.
5. And, a daily does of unconditional love is provided by my Cats.

So, that concludes this year's countdown! Thanks for joining me and I hope you and your families enjoy a happy, healthy holiday!


 

The Five Days of Giving Thanks - Day #1 - Health

It's the last official countdown day until Thanksgiving and it hasn't been easy narrowing down the final "thing" to be thankful for. Of course there are shoe-ins like family & friends, but I'm reserving tomorrow to celebrate them. There is also acceptance, which has become increasingly important in my life lately. And, I am also thankful for a myriad of simple things like nature, sunshine, flowers, music. These all may sound a bit cheesy, but I am unabashedly cheesy, and I'm thankful for that too.

However, what REALLY makes me thank God, the universe, and whatever other powers out there that are controlling this crazy karmic adventure called life, is HEALTH. It is by far the blessing that I have become most grateful for, mostly because it doesn't always come easily. Since I have several autoimmune diseases, my health waxes and wanes, often on a day-to-day basis. This may sound like something I should be lamenting, and believe me I have spent plenty of time wallowing in self pity. But, ultimately, anytime you lose something, you cherish it all the more when it returns. So, days when I feel healthy and happy are the greatest gifts. There is nothing better than feeling good. Period.

I am actually even a little grateful for illness as well. After all, having illness helps me to see things from a totally different perspective. It has enabled me to develop an incredible amount of empathy and compassion for others. In short - I just finally get it. Sometimes I find myself giving advice to a friend or acquaintance who is going through a rough time, and they suddenly look at me with this expression that says, "how did you know?" I realize at that moment that my ability to understand what it's like to experience challenges is a real gift that can help others. And, I'm sure you know that helping others feels great.   

As they say, life is all relative. My highs have been higher simply because my lows have been so incredibly low. And, better still, I have been learning so much through the Integrative Health & Healing program, that even my lows are rising. Meaning, even on my bad days, my tired days, I have developed so many skills for coping that I feel better and stronger. I know that autoimmune disease is incurable, but I also know that the human spirit is incredibly resilient and I can have a disease without letting it have me.

I woke up feeling awful today. I had a terrible night of sleep due to a lingering sinus infection. But, I had time to sleep in, do Emei Qigong, and listen to healing music. By the time my sister and her family arrived for a pre-Thanksgiving meal I was feeling great. The joy of their company, good food, lots of laughs, and a few Margaritas later and I am feeling totally healthy - mind, body and spirit. Now that is something to be thankful for!

The Five Days of Giving Thanks - Day #2 - Freedom

This image is called "freedom". Cool right?

For Day 2 of the Thanksgiving countdown the "thing" I am so very thankful for is actually many things that fall under one header - freedom. it's cheating a bit to pick such a broad theme that affords me the opportunity to address several items at once. But, I think it's important to cover them all - and hey, this is my blog, so I have the freedom to do what I want :).

When I think of the word "freedom" my first thought is how proud I am to be an American. No matter what happens in the political climate of the country, or how disappointed I get when I learn about corruption in our government, I am still so incredibly thankful to have been born here. As much as we complain about what things cost and the troubled economy, we still have an incredible number of affordable options in housing, food and clothing. In short, the majority of Americans are free to have our needs met. When I think of other countries who don't even have clean drinking water, or where the average weekly wage is less than $10, I am blown away by how lucky I am.

And, in terms of personal safety, I know I am blessed every day. With all the dedicated members of the armed services protecting my safety, along with police, fire personnel, EMTs, nurses and doctors, I don't have to live in fear. I am thankful just to know that others have made a commitment to looking out for my well being and that of all those I love.

Those freedoms cover my basic physical needs, but freedom is really so much more. True freedom is a state of mind. I feel especially blessed to have recently learned that I can break free from others criticisms, judgments, or demands. I can set boundaries as to what I will and will not accept from others. And, I can just choose to be happy and confident with my choices regardless of the outcomes. Now that is freeing! How do I do that? Practice, lots and lots of practice. I've learned to meditate, take time to breath deeply, journal daily, practice Emei Qigong regularly, and aim to avoid toxic people whenever possible. This is a bit more complicated than I make it sound and I am only just beginning to experience freedom from my once perfectionist ways, but just knowing that I truly have the power to get there makes me happy to be alive. (I am actually reading a book right now to this end called Aware, Awake, Alive. The author, Elliott Dacher, M.D., is a very wise man with a very simple but powerful message. I am lucky enough to get to meet him at TGI next week.) 

In line with all this freedom I have discovered within myself, I also am very grateful for the freedoms that my life has afforded me. My parents generously put me through college which enabled me to always have ample career options. For that, along with the experience of college itself which really helped me spread my wings, I am eternally grateful. I think so many kids expect that their parents are just going to pay for school, and that seems to be the case frequently these days. I know of numerous families in which the parents have put off retirement or gotten second jobs just to pay for their child's education. And, yet, from what I understand of these situations, the children don't seem to appreciate the sacrifices their parents have made. College itself is a form of freedom and if someone helps you get that, you should be thankful - I'm just saying. 

Which brings me to my husband who is helping to support me through graduate school (TGI). He knows that I am completing this program (Integrative Health & Healing) because I am so passionate about health and I want to learn everything I can on the subject. And, he also realizes that getting this degree will not necessarily help to increase my income. But, with this, and in most other areas, he lets me "do my own thing" which makes me very happy. We both give each other the freedom of having our own lives, without restricting each others' choices or activities, and I personally feel that is the only way a relationship can work.

Boy, this is getting long, if you are still with me, I have one more freedom that I have become especially thankful for in the past year and that is my freelance writing and web career. Prior to going out on my own I had some of the worst job experiences you could imagine - a boss who just didn't show up for work leaving me scrambling to get big projects complete (that same boss laid me off the day before my wedding), a manager who stole from me, a narcissistic colleague whose lies and manipulation made me feel as though I was losing my mind. In short, I have been ultimately forced to convene with really unethical, unkind and sociopathic individuals just to make a living! But, once you become a freelancer you get to choose who you work with. Don't get me wrong, being a freelancer is very difficult and there are lots of negatives.  Yet in general, the decisions are all my own. If someone is nasty to me, I just don't take any additional projects from them. It is amazing how much better your day is when you are no longer surrounded by people you despise. And, the ability to work on writing and web projects from the comfort of my own home, when I have the energy, is the ultimate freedom and blessing too.

I know I said that was the last one - but I thought of just one more. I am thankful for the freedom to express myself on the Internet and for people who actually read what I write. (I'm talking to you - thanks!) Facebook and my blogs really help me get my feelings out to the world. Since I am quite shy, having a vehicle for my voice is something I am grateful for every day.